Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
