People with herpes should wear stickers.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
