Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
