so explain again why im purple
no
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
