I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
