I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
