I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
