Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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