I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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