Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
being pregnant is like rehab
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
