how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
