Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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