So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
