we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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