I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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