I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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