Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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