Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
