giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
