I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
