in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
