I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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