Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
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he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
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I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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