It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
