Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
