Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
