I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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