the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
