My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
