It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
