You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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