I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize