and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
