I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
