I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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