As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
