Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
