"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I faked an abortion last night.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
