We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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