fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Come share oat with me in your robe
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
