if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
