last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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