Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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