Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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