So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
