mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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