I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
