Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
