Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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