Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
