You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
