i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
