my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
