I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
