theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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