don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
